i admit, even typing the title makes me feel bad because i love Jesus, i do, i really do...He is my life, but....
what if we, who follow Christ with all our hearts, have a moment, a day, a season, an event, or a situation that we thought would turn out differently because of HIM, because we thought HE would do something BIG, something amazing, yes, HE was present and faithful, but big or amazing didn't happen? what to do? what do y'all think?
david (the shepherd, king, giant-killer from the Bible) in psalms is praising God to the highest, dancing before God with all his might, testifying to God's love, mercy, and faithfulness and then in the very next breath (or verse) he is complaining to God, cryin' out, etc.
did he deal with disappointment too?
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oof. can there even be a short, all-encomposing answer to that? me thinks not. sigh. my guess is that david definitely wrestled with the ups and downs of serving a sometimes "unstable" God, same as do. i mean, He is unpredictable by our standards, anyway. don't you think it's risky to cling to One who could be at the source of a shattered dream or a huge disappointment? logic says don't trust someone who may or may not show up in a big way, even in those moments when we actually DO have the faith in place. but yet His call to us is to simply trust, almost blindly. i've just gotta believe He is who He says He is and roll with the punches, i think.
when i first got to taiwan, 9.5 years ago, clearly i had no idea how an adoption was supposed to go. as the days ticked by, and mark's visit drew nearer, and nothing was really happening to conclude the adoption process, i never ever felt more sure of God being able to the impossible, and get it all done so i could return to the states at the end of the christmas vacation with mark. we were going to be this new little happy family flying part way around the world together. it was going to be wonderful. as the weeks flew by and mark's arrival was just days away, and still things weren't done, my faith just went wild...the more impossible, the greater God was! when folks at the school left for their holiday, i made a point of saying good by, because we were going to be gone when they returned. i told everybody who would listen how excited i was about God doing "the impossible" and seeing that happen in our lives. i never once doubted God's power. See Ephesians 3:20. It was probably my greatest moment EVER of trust and faith in the Lord. The day i stood on the side of the road, holding matthew, waving good by to mark as he left without us, to date may be the most devastating day of my life. i don't think i have ever cried more bitter tears. i couldn't figure out what happened. my faith had never been greater, God's power never more possible, yet i stood there, sobbing, not understanding. i had no clue at that moment that it would still be 3 more months until i was able to leave. Now, 9 years later (our return date was march 23, 1998), i'm still 50% uncertain about what happened, and why that happened. It's on my list of questions to ask when i get to Heaven.
Since that day, I don't know that my faith has ever been exercised to that degree (with a definite time frame; having a husband with a chronic disability exercises my faith daily, in a different way...). I will never forget the bitter tears of disappointment. But in reality, I had set God up to do my thing, my way, in my time frame. HE had different plans altogether. HIS thing, His way in His time worked out perfectly. So really, who is my disappointment with?
disappointment with God is so real and is so going to happen in this life.... beth moore recently asked us at the conference we went to ... what do we do with devestation with God? i mean, disappointment is one thing. devestation is even worse!!
pouring out your heart to God to save your marriage because you know that a godly marriage is His will and Him saying "no" can bring about devestation! knowing, with all the faith that you've ever had in a lifetime, that God is going to provide the last-minute miracle because being together as a family is absolutely His will and Him saying "no" can bring about devestation!
i think that most Christ-followers accept from other people a moment or maybe even a day of disappointment with God as ok. but when moments turn into months or even years of devestation with God, how do we as believers respond to those feeling that burden? do we offer pat answers and Bible verses and tell them that we'll pray for them to come around and see how really good God is... because "God is good all the time" and all that?
and i really am asking ... because i really am searching for how Christ would respond to the person devestated with God???
one example i think of is Mary at the tomb of Lazarus when she thought that Jesus could have saved her brother if only He had been there earlier ... He offered her some words of hope but then he looked around and did something touching and heartfelt .... he cried! he cried for them because they were all so very sad .... devestated!
i think that it's ok to offer hope to those who are devestated, but it's even better when we offer hope along with our compassion for what they are going through... even if we can't know what it's like to be in their shoes.....
what's so amazing about grace is that it cries with people when they are really devestated... real life is so very hard.... and sometimes we just aren't ready to see or recognize that God really is good. we pretend to think that and we say that we know God is good, so that others won't doubt God and we won't say something wrong.... but i believe God can take it - our doubts and disappointments and even our devestation with Him! and i also believe that others are looking to see if we're going to be real in the face of this kind of faith-shaking reality. are we going to quote verses and say that we believe it's all for the best? or will we come clean and say that God let us down and we aren't there yet....
don't get me wrong.... we still can praise Him and pray and read His word and look for strength and even answers. but i think it's important to live out loud what we are learning, even in the midst of doubts and struggles so that others see that the Christian life isn't doing and feeling and thinking the godly thing all the time.
carol says "...because i love Jesus ..." as if disappoinment with God somehow indicates a lack of love for Him.... i am just not sure i think that ....
i really do believe the lines in that song "life is hard but God is good!
life IS hard! but sometimes, getting to the "God is good" part isn't as easy as it seems... nor does it come as quickly as we hoped.
been chewing on this one a bit more (geez, cooka, thanks a lot!). but here's what i know: there have been times in my life that i really have been heartbroken by God. i mean, if everything that happens filters thru His hand first, then it stands to reason that He could have kept it from happening. and if He didn't, even when the results would have been so honoring to Him, it's hard to reconcile that gutwrenching hurt. a couple of events stand out for me: the day my mom died right before i turned 11....the day my grandma (mom#2) died 2 days before i turned 24.....the day my firstborn son was diagnosed with a deadly disease. i don't know if we humans can even put words to the brokenness our hearts experience with the grief of this life, you know? but here's something else i know: those circumstances, without fail, will only be bigger than He is when i let them. so then i'm forced, even in my pain, to cling to the One who simply promises that He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. and for me, the key has been exactly what mel eluded to: crying, screaming, fussing, moaning, sobbing, pleading, and wrestling with this God that i believe in. sometimes i'd like to be really certain that i can claim a promise from Him since it would clearly be something that HONORS Him (i.e....health restored, a marriage healed, the adoption approved on time, etc). but the truth is that the only promises i'm allowed to cling to are the ones that are a bit "less tangible"...like the fact that He will be an ever-present help in time in trouble, that His strength will be made perfect in my weakness, and so forth. and yeah, we have to avoid those pat answers of trying to put bandaids on big hurts in the name of not being "blasphemous." but i'm learning that i can trust a God who lets me yell and scream at Him sometimes like a 2-yr-old. i can love a Lord who i can be real enough with to tell Him that i think He really blew it but i'm gonna trust Him anyway!! and carol, i would want you to know that your faith, in spite of the hand you've been dealt, is an inspiration more than you'll ever know. your simple, child-like trust and love for your Savior is something that shines thru!!
To my wise & wonderful friends...
thanks for your words of wisdom & sharing your hurts, disappointments, and devastations, too.
sally - your post was so honest & open, and i have felt exactly what you posted! i have had to face that sometimes my disappointment with HIM is actually, upon further inspection, my selfish side pouting over God not doing things my way.
melly - i loved your connection to Jesus when He was with Mary...He cried. i believe that He has cried with me & many others during our hurts...that's incredibly comforting! i want to be honest with others in what i'm dealing with...but it is not easy for me. but i do try more now than ever before. Thanks for your insight and perspective.
tan -- i didn't even know that stuff about your mom & grandma. i'm so thankful you told me. i do cry to Jesus, and He listens and sometimes He cries with me. Sometimes He comes beside me and gently says "cowboy up!girl!- WE can handle this", & sometimes He just helps quiet my broken spirit.
i love being honest with HIM, i don't always love being open with y'all. :-)
Hurts, disappointments, and even devastations...it helps me to realize that many of us have had them. but i see that we cannot "stay" there. we come to God, open & honest.
i'm reading "Prayer:Does It Make Any Difference?" by Philip Yancey, and I quote: ...I realize that my image of God, more than anything else, determines my degree of honesty in prayer. Do I trust God with my naked self? Foolishly, I hide myself in fear that God will be displeased, though in fact the hiding may be what displeased God most. From my side, teh wall seems like self-protection; from God's side it looks like lack of trust...When I finally approach God, in fear and trembling, I find not a tyrant but a lover...a most important purpose of prayer may be to let our true selves be loved by God...
As a move on...let me finish by saying
SALLY the Larry Crab book was a disaster, i only read the first chapter, so if it stunk sorry! but this Phillip Yancey book on PRAYER is GREAT so far. i've read to page 52, chapter 4.
love to all,
cooka/carol
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