silent struggles?! good or bad

i’ve discovered something about myself -- i think i’ve learned it mostly from my small group -- i’m not sure if it’s bad or good or what, but it is just something that is true about me. i’m a silent struggler/sufferer -- i listen to others tell their troubles and struggles -- i genuinely want to know these things about them, and i appreciate their openness -- but then i think about my hurts, my doubts, my struggles, my “stuff” tucked away -- & i cannot put it into words, and i don’t even want to say it. i’m content just mulling it over between me & God. although i can relate to what someone is saying, i feel for them, i want to help them, but yet, i don’t open up what is inside of me. Here’s why -- sometimes, not often, i go back to past hurts, wounds, feelings, and they are yucky! & i don’t think about it very often but when i do -- eewww-- !

this is my thought processes - i am positive, happy, hopeful, content with life & God’s goodness, loving life! About 90% or more of the time that is me - even deep down that really is me -- inside & out: Positive, up-beat, and grateful! …but then there’s that 10% (give or take a little) when i’m struggling or hurting, sad, mad, confused or just out of sorts. i think that if i say something during those times and it’s taken wrongly or too seriously how can i undo it when i don’t feel like that anymore? What if that those words & thoughts spoken at hard times might be all that’s remembered of me or those words spoken cause others to stumble? What if i say something that i’m thinking, just temporarily - just for that moment of hurt, doubt, etc. and someone hears it is received "wrong-ly" just because i’m having a bad week or day or hour or...

Sometimes…most times, (not always) i’ll talk about it after i’ve worked through it, but not during the process.

So until i learn differently, or discover that there’s a good reason to change, i'll be happy with my hurts, struggles, difficulties and doubts to stay where they are…between me & God.